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It's us vs. the squares. [entries|friends|calendar]

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If you're cold, I'll tell you its the summer breeze. [30 Apr 2008|02:22am]
When you need me, I am here.
hoo hoo

[30 Mar 2008|03:39am]
a long time ago
the times we had were so and so
1| hoo hoo

[26 Oct 2007|12:33am]
tonight it's all the same as the one before. a green bound history of a young innocence raised into a mature hate for you to manipulate and invert. lie and reverse. the bed i made for you to sweat out your guilt and frustration into all those long nights. all those long nights of reaching and hoping in dark, but concluding in self hate and denial. long nights shared with the dormant black shadow of a third party that you held between me in your arms. washing and washing but i knew they'd never come clean. you as a tornado garbage struck mess of rusted spare parts and soiled pillow cases. disgust. i lied; i never felt sorry for you. white stains on brown and a fuzzy projection that i couldn't make out, but knew all the same. whirlwind yellow speckled azure dreams heavy on my eye lids as i slept through the storm, unnoticing of the unknown. my savior the window, midnight and broken down, confessing to me with every slow coming strike of moonlight. she came to me and told me how to seek the truth. sow and sow and rip apart away an investment of rooted self, of progress. beat down and tired of feeling, but still pushing threw to something better, something pure, something nonexistant. it was all i had left. the realization that reality cannot be revised no matter how hard you lie to yourself and living in comfort is something we will never allow ourselves to have. living for struggle and hugging tragedy so tight that being the victim is the only choice, everytime. change and promises like licking away at a bent turpentine dripping spoon. futile and longing for the blink of an eyelash or a touch on the thigh, wanting until needing and disappointment like hate brewing deeper as i smashed apart myself just to remember what it was like to feel. smoking cigarettes to the filter in the most desperate way and sayings that creeped up my skin and left a poisonous bite that etched a scar i can never erase. one more day of following and then falling behind. laying down to finally feel the solid asphalt burning under my skin. i am alive and your suicide threat stories make me vomit and one of these days i hope you end all of our misery by looking in the mirror. the basement noose wasn't the right fit and the rooftop was too high. falling on my doorstep wailing and begging like a screeching animal. pathetic and old and sad. vomiting uncontrollably. put your shirt back on and get the fuck out of here.
11| hoo hoo

[25 Mar 2006|01:35am]
[ mood | melancholy ]

These nights keep getting longer. I try to sleep, but the stinging pain of light hurts all the same immersed in dark. I remember the day use to fade softly into night so subtle and unnoticing, but now in a harsh blink I find myself under dim light illuminating the sidewalk under my feet. My bed is too big without you and the breeze flows in swiftly scooping along with it the nightingale's song. It sifts in like a beautiful melody through the crack in my window and wraps itself around me. It envelopes me and for a brief moment I have forgotten the emptiness of my body and lonliness of my bed. Across miles you lay alone, like me, and if I let my mind wander far enough into the depths of illusion and insanity, I'm lying next to you. I can see you, so real and perfect. You're sleeping so peacefully and my head is rising with your chest as you breathe. And I'm holding on so tightly, because I know shortly I'll roll over and you'll be gone forever. You'll be gone when the daylight find it's way into my bed.

hoo hoo

[21 Mar 2006|10:44pm]
Today I saw this sign that said 'slaughter', and I kept staring at it nonchalantly when all of a sudden to my surprise the s started flickering and eventually went out so then the sign read 'laughter'. I thought this was ironically amusing.

What am I doing, I don't even use livejournal.
6| hoo hoo

[26 Oct 2005|01:29am]
[ mood | Hopeless. ]

Its getting harder these days. I keep my life in the freezing cold tunnel, alone and thoughtful. The sun's rays, peaking through the creviced ceiling, still reflects off of my hair, but this gloomy design is poor and light years from what it should be. Here I scribble on brick walls, bold and prominent, but no one bothers to acknowledge. They erase it before even wiping the dust from their eyes. It's beauty is tragic and gut wrenching like a broomstick handle to the gut. These gutters are deep and dirty. They grab at my feet as I walk the streets, unknowing that they are making me their own, transforming me into cement covered with a 100 years of sweat and element. They snatch like fiending monsters at worn out shoes and bony legs. I sit there bar-assed and yellow stained until my feet are icicles and the cigarette smoke ceases to warm my fingers. I'm breaking at the joints, snapping one by one until all thats left is a hazy green polluted smoke and the faint smell of exhaust and exhaustion.

1| hoo hoo

Gloomy Sunday [04 Oct 2005|05:23pm]
Sunday is gloomy,
My hours are slumberless
Dearest the shadows
I live with are numberless
Little white flowers
Will never awaken you
Not where the black coaches
Sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thoughts
Of ever returning you
Wouldn’t they be angry
If I thought of joining you?

Gloomy is sunday,
With shadows I spend it all
My heart and i
Have decided to end it all
Soon there’ll be candles
And prayers that are said I know
But let them not weep
Let them know that I’m glad to go
Death is no dream
For in death I’m caressing you
With the last breath of my soul
I’ll be blessing you

Dreaming, I was only dreaming
I wake and I find you asleep
In the deep of my heart here
Darling I hope
That my dream never haunted you
My heart is telling you
How much I wanted you
Gloomy sunday
hoo hoo

[18 Aug 2005|12:56am]
I don't think I can feel anymore.

I'm getting on with the getting on.

Don't worry.
3| hoo hoo

[18 Jun 2005|03:37pm]
You are all a joke.
hoo hoo

[15 May 2005|06:13pm]
creating is love
hoo hoo

Even amidst fierce flames the Golden Lotus can be planted [12 Nov 2004|11:55am]
It wasnt too long ago when we sat in the front seat of your car and changed each other for the better. I can't imagine this cruelty without you. If I am alive now, then surely I was dead.
2| hoo hoo

"Finally, we are no one...." [11 Nov 2004|09:19pm]
I'm going to be in a movie.
hoo hoo

The pink or the blue wire. [03 Sep 2004|07:55pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Today is dreary like my soul.
My doorstep has a blanket of early morning rain and it doesn't bother me much. I sat on it with my sequin dress and messy hair left over from last night.
I had my morning fill of caffeine and nicotene and I listened to the scuffle of small children and conversations of people with real jobs and it sounded like life, but it didn't make me feel alive.
I use to try and have this sleep pattern where my day would start at 4am, because everything was so much more peaceful when I awoke. I don't sleep much, but really who does these days. I'm walking around like death on skinny legs and weak feet coated with pink nail polish. I'm practically begging for someone or something to sweep me up. Maybe you know what I mean.
I wish I could move away to some place obscure with just one person I could tolerate all the time and learn how to really live, learn how to really feel. I use to want to move to Europe, but it would just end up being the same as anywhere else except with more communication barriers and a dwindling nightlife. Do you suppose any place is perfect? or even satisfying for a moment?

hoo hoo

Even the Mona Lisa is falling apart. [31 Aug 2004|05:06pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

Light filters into my unwanting bed- creeps beneath my eyelids through tangled wire eyelashes and sinewy muscles attached to blood deprived veins. I awake from a month slumber like a punch to the face and a conscious rememberance of a panicked white wall.

My bed tables are covered with empty medicine bottles, save a few stray sleeping pills on the floor. An empty flask, a half read book. Self-improvement or self-destruction? Does it matter what I do to get away from where I've lingered at?

Egyptian cotton saturated with blood and perfume lie dormant underneath a silk duvet imported from some ancient king's forgotten palace. The cold, broken hearted, cement floor blanketed with revealing dresses and cheap, worthless memories. Empty cigarette boxes and phone numbers scribbled on grinning napkins from small, surburban, Jersey metrosexuals too scared to move to the big city. There was too much on my plate, so I scraped it off and now all that is left is a less glamorous corpse.

It seems I have been looking for someone. I have been scouring the streets. Every corner I turn, every subway I step foot on- I think that they might be standing right there in front of me or perhaps under some dimly lit umbrella at a cafe reading the newspaper. I don't know their voice, or even whom they resemble. All I know is that they listen, and really listen instead of just waiting for their turn to speak.

3| hoo hoo

The doctor said its no use. [12 Jun 2004|11:57pm]
3| hoo hoo

[22 May 2004|10:30pm]
[ mood | There's a funny feeling ]

it went like this:

the buildings tumbled in on themselves
mothers clutching babies picked through the rubble
and pulled out their hair

the skyline was beautiful on fire
all twisted metal stretching upwards
everything washed in a thin orange haze

i said: "kiss me, you're beautiful -
these are truly the last days"

you grabbed my hand and we fell into it
like a daydream or a fever

we woke up one morning and fell a little further down -
for sure it's the valley of death

i open up my wallet
and it's full of blood

13| hoo hoo

How much does guilt weigh? How much does regret weigh? [21 Apr 2004|10:29pm]
[ mood | Well, what do you feel? ]

Is this what we've become? We said we would come back
We said we would figure it out. I would figure it out and I devoted myself to a lie. Now here we are looking at exhibitions of life, an expose on human nature- things we knew we couldn't deny, but more importantly we couldn't leave behind.
I carried you in a basket of filth.
Modern lamps and a musty oriental rug. Is this what we've become?
A post modern view suffocating what we know in a one room cabin with a scantily clad dressmaid- a slave to vice.
Speakers of reform, of renew- of lies? A pedestal for rumor. A platform for disgust. An instilled hope in something greater than ourselves and now we can't breathe.
IS THIS WHAT WE HAVE BECOME? Fiends for freedom and gasping for answers to the unanswerable?
We said we would come back, come back to at least see what we could wring out of a new beginning. Ignore, ignore, and fucking ignore- like red tape clinging to a red wall. A mouth or an ear sucking like vacuums all meaning and possibility. All the potential and all the late night cigarette smoke.
I saw you. I saw you in a haze of your own blood. I see a slave in a torn up blazer, eyes behind a mask of self-mutilation, and a sad coloured heart like that of addiction. A slaughtered yellow dress, black streaked face, and scabbed lips trapped in a car of exhaustion.
This is what we've become.
This is who we are.

6| hoo hoo

At the Nintendo party.... [04 Apr 2004|01:01am]
[ mood | Non-hick. ]


12| hoo hoo

[01 Apr 2004|10:58pm]
[ mood | Pensive ]

I have a Scottish penpal and his name is Simon Stokes.
Whose jealous?

Actually I really wanted an Icelandic one. Sucks.

6| hoo hoo

It smells like the beach outside. [30 Mar 2004|10:42pm]
[ mood | Pleased. ]

We real cool. We

Left school. We

Lurk late. We

Strike straight. We

Sing sin. We

Thin gin. We

Jazz June. We

Die soon.

5| hoo hoo

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